The Price is Right has been defiled

Did I drop out of college for the semester, or did I just start summer vacation two months early? I'M AN IDIOT, SUMMER 2011 WOO

Its a lot harder to be worthless when you have no classes and no work to go to for a day. At that point, doing literally anything is better than whats on your agenda for the day. Case in point: I bagged up some trash just now. I'm at least 100% more productive than expected.

That only applies if you believe "day off" literally translates to "sit on the couch and eat Doritos and whatever that stuff is in the fridge."

I saw a Facebook status update complaining about how the cast of the Jersey Shore makes $100,000 an episode. Theres nothing wrong with that. The more we pay them, the higher our collective self-esteem grows. If people are willing to be friends with The Situation, that can give hope to every other self-absorbed dickhead out there.

Thats not very nice. Vinny seems like a nice guy, I'm sure he'll open a really acceptable laundromat with all of the money he's raked in.

Spring has finally come, and with it that awkward smell of 4 month old whatever was on the ground prior to the first snow. The smell of flowers, trees, and a half eaten Chipotle burrito fill the air.

Watching the Price is Right is the best way to make yourself feel better about your intelligence. I may be a temporary college dropout, but at least I know a brand new Mustang and the Holy Grail cost more than sixteen paperclips. Lookin' at you, dumb girl who managed to spin 95 cents on the big wheel. You're a disappointment.

Rarely do you see anything more exciting than those moments before someone hits the ground while they're falling. If you ever see people's faces in slow-motion while the faller is stumbling, all you see is delight and excitement. Nobody is interested in helping, and I'm ok with that.

I bet we could make everything slower and it'd be way more entertaining. We should get a bunch of girls to run around slowly and throw a ball at each other. We'll call it "women's basketball" and it'll make millions!

(sorry women's basketball.)

Hell's 542nd Annual Sadie Hawkin's Dance

Video time in class! Links will be provided.

Looks like some English gangsta rap, taped entirely in black and white in what appears to be house under renovations or a factory.

TOO MANY FLASHING LIGHTS. I'm about to seize.

The two worst gangs in London get in a fight. I still haven't understood a single word the rapper has said. He does have a pretty sweet beard though so I can forgive that.

2nd worst gang in London goes on a walk though the woods, find a cemetery and people mourning. Fist bumps are exchanged.

Worst gang in London + new recruits beat up a fire. Man litters signs with controversial statements. Video ends.

Thus concludes, Fun-da-mental - Dog Tribe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dbqka3vCAw

OOOH another one. This ones in Hell! And now its crappy metal.

I really wouldn't expect any other type of music in Hell but bad metal.

Honestly I can't understand a single word of any of this. It looks like one sweet Hell party though. Do you suppose they have theme dances and parties in hell? This is just the most recent Hell Metal show, but I'd personally be looking forward to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIWDXjfd5ak

And another video! Zephania. Heres a black man in dreads beating up a punching bag for way too long then reciting poetry. Lots about white stuff.

He's actually pretty good so I won't make fun of it.

Not entirely sure what we're watching this for. OOH Zephaniah accepting an honorary degree. Old man in the background is asleep in his chair.

And if there was one thing we were missing it was some crappy reggae. Thank god the prof has that covered.

Not only that, but crappy reggae set to a guy walking around, looking at things, and riding elevators.

White text set on a stairway is here to save the day! And wtf reggae over. Now lets send it back to hip-ho--NOPE reggae ag--NOPE for real its hip-hop and now its over.

General reactions, class? I have one. I don't know what in the flip-flopping fuck they said in those Fun-da-mental videos and that really affected my viewing.

Class is talking about our final video and analyzing it in a way that I want to call bullshit on. Girl's been talking for 5 minutes and hasn't said anything more than "You can interpret this in any way you want." Thanks.

Desire to learn about English multiculturalism < Desire to drink a milkshake.

Samuel Beckett, Con-man

Now this is the story all about how

Coatzee turned Beckett upside-down

and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there

I'll tell you how Watt focused on numbers and repetition

Iiiiin Kenner's analysis, Rational Domain,

English babble's where he spends his whole essay

Cadences, pedantry, formal english drool

Talkin' about Beckett's interest in the math school

When a couple of guys who were up to no good

Started analyzing style and likelihoods

They didn't even fight, but I got scared

and said “i'm getting on facebook to get this outta my hair”

I pulled off to my notes 'round 11:38

and I said to my reading

“Homework! Smell ya later!”

Looked at my profile, I was finally there

Sit on my throne and be terrible at college.

I was hoping that would take more time. Balls.

I think Beckett found a way to write, make lots of money, and dick around while fooling everyone into believing he was the hottest shit this side of the hog confinement.

Example: this is a direct quote from Beckett's novel, Watt.

“Dis yb dis, nem owt. Yad la, tin fo trap. Skin, skin, skin. Od su did ned taw? On. Taw ot klat tonk? On. Tonk ot klat taw? On. Tonk ta kool taw? On taw to kool tonk? Nilb, mun mud. Tin fo trap, yad la. Nem owt, dis yb dis.”

All he did was write a jibberish paragraph, reverse the letters, and throw it in there. And here we are, spending thousands of dollars to discuss this riveting piece of literature.

Things I could buy with a year's tuition (around $7,000):

6,500 Rodeo burgers from BK (with tax)

A 2003 Ford Windstar off craigslist

Rent a Class A RV for 3 weeks

2,000 slip and slides.

A very large bathtub filled with delicious candy.

Ok nevermind i'm bitching.

WTF we're still talking about this? Beckett might be my new favorite author simply because I think he was and still is fucking with English scholars.

Beckett: “Dude I'm gonna write something so convoluted and weird that everybody will assume its awesome.”

Support for this: Beckett wrote an A version of this book that made sense. It had a plot, had an order and actually made sense. Beckett did two more revisions and the C version was the published and well-known version. He took pieces from the two prior, threw them together in an order that made no sense and had no context, and published it.

Coetzee: This is Beckett's response to realism, blahblah Beckett Rulez

Me: Beckett wrote a novel that made sense, it was poorly received, so he went the modernist route and fucked with it til people thought it was brilliant.

Boom, money for Beckett. High fives and sexy ladies.

Prof is pissed because nobody can answer “what was the author's intention in writing this?” I feel like me telling him my theory about his favorite book wouldn't go over well.

Everybody is a Superhero

Midterm:

For studying: ALL materials including video/music/soundclips

List from Wednesday (on ICON):
How is difference defined?
How is multiculturalism described?

Short essay questions.

London: impending invasion, something to be eradicated
Children: Difference does not need to be feared, onlyTranslated (interpreted).
Rong Radio: Globalization? Im(possibility) of finding authentic story.

Print vocabulary list from ICON.

What role does British intervention play?
Speaking from the inside or outside?
Who is the audience?
Seriously what is this shit about?
Is this a book?
What is paper?

We are doing a bit of freewriting right now. I'll take this time to type about something that I have a problem with. No matter how carefully I prepare or how delicately I eat, I, without a doubt, end up covered in scalding hot cheese and ham whenever I eat a hot pocket. Is it too much to ask for there to be a little bit more dough used on those edges? You don't see a bag of chips exploding whenever you eat half the bag (maybe this is because they only give you half a bag to start out?). Its like if you had a pig and while it was being butchered you got about halfway through and the hind end of the pig just exploded and shot lava everywhere.

Step up your game hot pockets.

Small groups fffffffuuuuuuu-

Do they still sell those giant containers of pickles in plastic bags?

This group is very quiet. I like this.

Everyone talks for four seconds and then starts writing things furiously. I'm copying till they're done. Hermit crabs hermit crabs hermit crabs.

I should probably flip through these books before the midterm. Also; an in-class test instead of a midterm paper? This is a satchel full to the brim of fucks.

Landscapes - distance created. I typed this but I don't know why.

I love how the small group dynamic works in class most of the time. Awkward silence, followed by short but highly opinionated discussion, directly followed by zero-eye contact silence until one group member decides to say something about another group member's backpack or something.

Get outta here, book discussion. This motherfucker has a kindle.

Girl in here is wearing a beret. What does that do? Its not big enough to be warm, its too oddly shaped to be comfortable, and is too outdated and strange to be fashionable. She could wear bonnet and have the same outcome.

I just judged the shit out of you, purple-shirt girl. You and your strange hat.

Has there ever been a class where more than 1/5 of the class participated? 25 people in here and 4 or 5 people talk.

SUPER-GENERALIZED CLASS TEAM ASSEMBLE!
Beard-Man!: hipster with the power to talk about the novel condescendingly while stroking his super-beard!
Mean Girl!: Mutant ability to demoralize anyone who attempts to speak up by talking down to them for "not really understanding what the author has to say." Also, heat vision.
Super-Douche!: Possesses the innate ability to piss off everyone in the room with his presence even though no one knows why!
The Incredible Lush!: Born with a hangover, this girl shows up to 11:30 class every single day looking hungover and upset. The 'incredible' is for her still-functioning liver.
Wolverine: The guy who types stupid blog posts on his laptop and doesn't pay attention.

I get to pick the names, so I'll be Wolverine if I want to.

William Lloyd Fucking Garrison

Today's topic: The book “Defending Slavery.” Oh boy. Theres a black girl in here.

The Curse of Ham: used to justify racism, does not apply to bacon (thank goodness).

The part about the negro gardner; saying a black gardner gave Eve the apple and the serpent had nothing to do with it. The only way this seems more likely is in that black people typically have hands where snakes tend not to.

Illness in slaves that cause them to run away, also known as “logic.” Notoriously absent in Southern plantation owners at the time.

Black girl is actually Indian. Close enough?

Whenever profs say “in the face of..” or something like that, I can't help but replace it with “IN DA FAAAACE!” in my head. Proslavery arguments threw this point IN DA FAAAACE of blahblah.

Why the word blah? Is there a preferred spelling or does everybody kind of wing it?

The Dixieland Democrats – awesome band name.

The PT Barnum of Abolitionists, the wet dream of anti-slavery activists, the American flag-waving boner of freedom – William Lloyd Garrison.

Theres a girl in class legit taking notes on an iPad. People do that? I thought iPad's were just a bigger screen to play Angry Birds on.

Prof is having us read this book to have us realize that the proslavery argument had a couple merits in their day. Is the whole book necessary? Make a powerpoint man.

I just don't like this prof. I'm not going to read your book, I'm not going to be a communist, and I'm seriously not going to buy or read your book. I don't even want to know the title. I would rather eat your book than read it, good sir. And for $25 dollars I would rather eat any other thing.

Why does it seem that the only people that still talk about racism and race relations are rooms full of college educated white people?

I should be a sassy black woman.

Ok not really. I'm pretty white and non-confrontational and I'm attracted to women, not to mention my utter absence of any other sassy qualities. But a man can dream!

Thursday I'm wearing a cutoff tuxedo shirt, tore up Levi jeans, cowboy boots, and a Budweiser hat to this class. Lets talk about sum'a that there slavery! It would almost be worth it to interrupt the silent class with the loud crack of a beer can opening.

Feb 21st, 2011: 20th Century whatever it is

Oh crap I don't know what book we're reading. Or what these "quotation.." somethingerother.. "..lecture" are.

Post-Imperial moment: Long live the Que.. Nevermind.

The book is called "A Passage to India." I wonder if the Indian girl in here is going to start calling shenanigans on everything. Is that racist? Only time will tell.

Anglo-Indian: Mixed ancestry White/Indians. Like an oreo, only with curry instead of cookies.

Actual note written on the board: India = Indianness. England = Englishness. I might do ok in here after all.

I'm gonna write this so my small group doesn't think I'm totally worthless.

Nevermind the know. Dude just called me out.
Snoopster: "What did you think of the book?"
Me: "Not much. I didn't read it."
Group nods in unison.

How often do Muslims pray? Group consensus: Nobody knows what they're talking about.

"Our religion is capitalism! blahblahblah" Effin hippies. Give me a mountain bike.

How was the weather on Sunday? Group consensus: Nobody knows what they're talking about.

The guy directly across the circle has the most perfect hipster mustache. He should get that insured.

1. Nature - beyond/transcends "man"-made structures
2. Aesthetic - What is beauty?
3. Universals - Liberalism, Sky.. Wait what in the fleeting frosted fuck are we talking about?

This lady just called out Snoopster guy in my group. Sweet, sweet victory.

Rigid codes of behavior - the way people function in a system
ex. When is it ok to steal someone's toast? Not very often, says the system.

Fascination with the abomination: Assertion that the instigation of a train station molestation abbreviation is a mere visitation of a vexation. Or something.

Snoopster just said Indian girl wasn't a "real" Indian. She looks shocked/upset.
Snoops: 1, Me: Not Racist

Feb 18th, 2011: 20th Century British Lit

Use of decrepit architecture, I just cannot give a fuck about any of this.

Very dark and dirty, the ghetto is a place that needs a housekeeper.

Architecture creates identity for characters, their surroundings reflect their feelings of self worth or something.

This sentence pertains to turtles.

There are bugs all up in those mothafuckas, not a fun place to live unless you are a bug. Then its like a party at a house that you can also eat if you want to. Note: jello house? Probably not a good idea unless the jello could be firmed up. Possibly cook a bread house, make turkey furniture and have vegetable rugs and paintings. Delicious turkey sandwich houses.

This is probably racist/homophobic/sexist in plenty of ways, much like every single piece of art ever created.

Broken people = broken property. I TOTALLY (essentially) TYPED THAT EARLIER woop woop.

The guy in front of me is playing a game that looks like pocket tanks. I will play him and I will beat him but I had better get a tracer and a sniper.

White working class: not an identity that is enraged. Obviously no one in here has seen Fox News or WWE. Idea: Mix those together.

Woman repeats lines; “kill the spiders,” etc. Everyone in here secretly hates spiders as well, so this is a point where the viewer connects with the narrator. Fucking spiders.

Segments scripted in movie; nobody wants to listen to what poor people really have to say.

Why in the hell does my chair squeak so loud? Its like i'm sitting on a unicorn with terrible gas.

More movies = no reading = exactly what I've done all semester except this time i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing.

Wtf, is this Wyclef Jean? What are we watching? Homeless black man starts creepy dance party with himself and guys in masks. I kinda wanna have a seizure. 1 star out of 5.

Homeless black man is in two movies that use the same script. This one uses less terrible background music and less weird bald men dancing. 2 stars out of 5.

I think i'm just too white for this.